Why?

Do you ever wonder how criminals feel? You know, when they’re on the run?

Stay with me… I’ve not lost it… yet…!

Bet they’re petrified. Scared of making a wrong move and potentially getting killed. (I’ve just watched Bad Boys so I’m all about the guns right now)

That’s how I feel when Norma let’s herself in. FYI Norma’s my anxiety. (I introduced her a while back so go check out that post)

When Norma’s in, that’s how I feel. I feel like I’m being chased. And I’m running, always running away. Suffocating in my own thoughts. It’s fucking exhausting.

However, I think she’s been sunning herself in Mexico (again, Bad Boys reference…) lately because she’s kept her distance and life has been good. Better than good, it’s been bloody great. Job is perfect, new house is better than perfect, social life is picking up again now B isn’t so clingy and I can go out without feeling allllll the mum guilt and then your best friend, the friend that’s more than a best friend, she’s your literal soul mate, finds a lump and turns out, yep, Cancer.

I cried. Oh god did I cry. Only ever cried like that once in my life and y’all can guess when that was if you follow me.

How is this happening to her? Why is life so damn cruel? She’s my best friend, how is this happening to another one of my friends?! Friends that are my age!!! I can’t even begin to imagine how her head is right now. Cause mine is fucked.

I genuinely don’t want to turn this post into a ‘my friends got Cancer but I have anxiety so feel sorry for me instead’ but I have to get out on paper, or iPhone, how I feel.

I got refused to give blood in March, low iron. ‘Get it checked’ said the nurse. So of course, me being the anxious sod, I put it off and put it off until I had no choice but to see my doctor because I felt like absolute shit. Turns out I’m anemic and need iron tablets. Not a big deal, to normal people. But here I am, googling blood cancer and blood related illnesses.

Will I ever feel normal again? I ask myself this question almost everyday.

I feel like I’m being hunted, like I’m on the run from Cancer and it’s picking off my family and friends one by one, before it gets me. That’s it. That’s how it’s making me feel.

Oh and Norma’s new trick, hallucinations! What a treat!!!! In the first 20-30 minutes of trying to sleep, I start hallucinating, there’s green patterns on the wall, always green, padlocks and clouds are more frequent but there are others. The husband ignores me now but just last night, he had to pick me up off the floor because I was beside myself, telling him the green padlock means tonight’s the night I’ll die.

Crazy lady, yep. Here. Did the worst and googled hallucinations, gave myself early onset dementia.

On that note, I’m off to hallucinate.

Peace ✌🏻Jemma x

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